Yesterday's Burial

When your parent dies
you've lost your past,
but when your child dies
you've lost your future.

This sums up 2009. Yesterday, the babies were buried next to my Mom. I asked my Dad and Grandma to come with me to the cemetery. I purposely waited until my brother and SIL had flown home to spare them additional heartache, they have been through so much. This is the fourth trip out of the past five to Illinois where they've had to spend time in the hospital with family. This time the family member was me. My brother said this will be their final trip to Illinois for the foreseeable future. He said family will have to come visit them from now on. I don't blame them one bit.

I don't know what I thought was going to happen at the cemetery, I guess up to this point I hadn't let my mind go there. I wanted to keep it simple and private, I did not ask for a priest to be present. After dropping the paperwork at the cemetery office, they directed us to drive to the gravesite as they were ready for us. My Dad drove to the gravesite where they had already dug the hole in the frozen ground. I thought my legs would give out at any moment. I willed myself to take the few steps to the grave. I looked down at my Mom's grave and could not hold back the tears. My Grandmother said we should say a prayer for the babies. She started with "Our Father" and I just lost it, I grabbed my Grandmother and Dad tightly as she valiantly tried to get the words out. It was tragic and sad, while at the same time it was a sweet and loving moment that I will cherish always. Afterwards, Grandma asked me if I wanted to go to Marytown, and I said yes. I lit three candles; one for Ryan, one for Dylan, and one for my Mom.

I looked at the pictures of the boys that the hospital took for the first time before going to the cemetery. They were so cute, and so precious. They look a lot alike, definitely not identical, the biggest difference are their little noses are different. Looking at the pictures was very difficult, but it made me realize that the reason I didn't want to hold them in the hospital wasn't because I didn't want to see them, it was because I knew I would not have been able to let them go.