The Holidays 2013

Where do I start...First, happy new year! For the first time in several years, we actually stayed at home for the holidays. All major holidays are difficult for me, but nothing compares to Christmas. It could be because I typically enjoyed celebrating Christmas and then, suddenly, it became a reminder of everything that I couldn't have or be. The holidays are so hard to enjoy when you’re missing loved ones. But you know what? I’m doing the best I can. This year I’ve started to enjoy Christmas a bit more.  This is due entirely to the fact that I now have a kid and I get to experience it all through her eyes. I read somewhere that you can look for reasons to be happy, or you can look for reasons to be sad - this is my new mantra. I miss my mom & dad, and my boys every day, and I always will. But it’s better to do things that make my daughter and I happy, then to skip them altogether.  For the last couple years, I have preferred traveling during Christmas to escape. All my family is spread out across the country now, so holidays are just not the same as when I was growing up (surrounded by all my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents). This year my brother and sis-in-law spent Christmas in California with her family, so I was especially missing them. I love my extended family, but…I think next Christmas I would rather go on vacation, escape the cold, and build new traditions with my daughter.

We went to see Santa last week at the shopping mall.  After talking about Santa for weeks and always getting a positive response I was optimistic that she wouldn't freak out and cry (like last year). I was correct, well sort of, she didn't freak out or cry but she held onto me for dear life, and was definitely not interested in sitting on Santa's lap. Thankfully she cooperated just enough to take a picture, I did have to hold her but they cropped me out. She hasn't really grasped the full concept Santa yet. She knows that presents are coming, and she recognizes Santa when we she sees him in pictures, but the concept that he watches to see if kids are good and travels and delivers presents, has not been grasped yet.

You'll notice in the pictures below that Nina is opening presents and has several different outfits on. Well, I made the executive decision to let her open some presents early. All the gifts that got mailed by friends and family were opened on Christmas Eve. Then, on Christmas morning we had Santa gifts, followed by breakfast that we could eat while opening the rest of the gifts. That way there was no rush on opening gifts, and she wasn't overwhelmed by opening gift after gift. I'm definitely doing this approach again next year.

Doc McNina giving a check up to our au pair AV (her last Xmas with us)

New dollhouse from Aunt & Uncle

Let's have a tea party

Our pretty tree

Cousins

Xmas selfie

A Piece of My Heart

When I lost my twins, it was as if a knife was ripped through my heart. I still ache for what never was and what never will be. Sometimes I’ll see a child who is close in age to what my twins would have been and it hurts sharply, almost like it just happened. I have a healthy two-year-old girl now, so for this reason I rarely share about my losses because it makes others uncomfortable. Pregnancy loss is so taboo and just not spoken of in society. It’s why people like me quietly hold in our grief and think about what is gone in private. When strangers ask me how many kids I have I say one, but I never forget that I am a mom of three.

My faith has wavered in the last few years but I just have to believe that I someday I will be reunited with them in the afterlife. I love and miss you my sweet baby boys. ♥Happy 4th Birthday Ryan and Dylan♥

The Big 4-0 and Thanksgiving

We had a great Thanksgiving! I have so much to be grateful for this year. Perhaps it’s the fact that I turned 40 that I’ve been a bit reflective this month, after all, that’s a lot of life to look back on.

I wouldn’t trade my life for anything, but a few months ago it occurred to me that it’s been two years since I’ve really had alone time. I occasionally escape to run errands or do some shopping thanks to our au pair. But it’s been two years since I’ve been away overnight by myself, no obligations, that I could spend any way I like. So, in honor of the big 4-0 I headed to Arizona for a long weekend with my brother and SIL. It was under a three-hour flight from Chicago, which makes it the perfect getaway. I wanted to go and I didn’t want to go. I know I need the time away by myself but it doesn't make it any easier. I've never left Nina overnight before. Ever. The goal was to get me away – to give me a few days to do whatever I wanted, without worrying about my daughter.

Our plans were to spend as much time doing outdoor activities, unfortunately the weather did not cooperate with our plans. It rained the entire weekend. :( It was not the carefree adventure I had been hoping for but we still managed to have a good time.

I know a lot of people consider 40 a big milestone in life. Not sure why—I don't feel much older than I did in my early 30s (but OH BOY very different than in my 20s!). Just for the record, I have no bad feelings about this. I say, bring it on! Of course, having had a two-year-old makes a huge difference. Because of my daughter, I'm feeling good and hopeful and positive. Plus, being immersed in the toddler world fools me into thinking I'm younger. Aging is extremely preferable to the alternative, which is not aging.

On Thanksgiving we went to my Aunt's house (my Mom's sister), there were 13 of us. Everyone got along and enjoyed each others company. I am grateful for my daughter, my family, and friends. Being able to have a home for shelter and a place for my family. Health and well being for everyone I love. Though my parents are not with us I try not to dwell. It doesn't serve me well. This year, the celebration is all in watching Serena grow up and enjoying the holidays together.