Missing Dad

After my Dad got sick I realized I had to make a choice, I could either self-destruct - which no one would've blamed me after the year I've had - or I could make a conscious choice to go on living my life as fully and as happily as I could do. So, I'm not living life fully (at least not yet), but I'm not headed for the looney bin either! I can accept that my parents are gone, and that I will eventually see them again, but I miss them.

6 Months

It's been 6 months today since the loss of my precious boys. Yesterday was my post-op appointment and I got the all clear to return to work. Pathology came back clear, and all indicators show that the fibroid had nothing to do with me going into early labor. I am SO tired these days, with the recovery from the surgery, and my ongoing grieving, it can sometimes be crippling.

Today is also my first day back at work, and the situation at work is not good. The best word I can use to describe my work environment is "toxic". I completely dread going to work, you see, the *new* higher ups are cleaning house and systematically getting rid of my department (10 people gone so far). Oh, and they are not laying folks off, they are telling folks (previously high performers mind you) that they are not meeting expectations and putting them on performance plans. Seriously, I am (this close) to saying the hell with it, but (a) I don't want to give them the satisfaction, (b) no paycheck/no unemployement (c) COBRA will cost me $600 a month!! I know I have to try and keep pushing forward and look for another job, but it takes a lot of energy and frankly I just don't have any right now.

Laparoscopic Myomectomy

I had the fibroid surgery yesterday and it was a success according to Dr. S. The fibroid measured at 8 cm. I have 3 incision points, and I'm in quite a bit of pain, but I just keep reminding myself that the pain could be worse if I had the abdominal myomectomy instead. Thank goodness for pain meds!! I am off work now for 2 weeks to recuperate.