So...Now What?

It's hard to believe that nearly two years ago I started my international adoption plans. At that time I wasn’t quite frantic yet, after all I still had plenty of time. I hoped (still hope) that I’d meet a great guy and fall in love and we’d get married and have a bunch of kids. Fast forward to today and with the recent and sudden loss of my Mom, I no longer feel like I have "plenty of time". So here I am researching my options yet again. I am clear about what I want; I want to be a mom. So, the same old question is, how? I researched again the option of switching countries, but there's no clear winner there. I also researched domestic adoption, but I'm still not sure I can handle that. Then most recently, my best friend quietly suggested to me if I would consider meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) to pursue fertility treatments?

Flashback to when I first decided to be a single mom, truth be told I really only considered adoption. I knew without a doubt that I could love a child that was not biologically my own. But now...I wonder if I would later regret not having the pregnancy experience, or at the very least regret that I didn't attempt to get pregnant, otherwise I might always wonder, WHAT IF? I can always adopt later if I choose, but realistically there is a smaller window of time for me to conceive a child.

So, two weeks ago I had my first fertility consultation; it went very well and now I'm fighting my insurance to pay for the treatments, so again more discouragement because they automatically denied me. But, I'm not giving up that easy! I might even pay for it myself and hope that my insurance will come through for me later.

RIP Mom

My mom died unexpectedly on April 15, 2009, she was only 60.

When she died a piece of me died too.

Some days I think I just can't handle this, it hurts too much. But I have to remind myself that I've still got the rest of my life left.

I am in denial, I don't want to forget her, but I almost just need to block it out for my own self preservation.

I miss calling her everyday to talk.

I keep telling myself that Mom is at rest, she's in peace and watching over us from heaven.

Her death has taught me that life is fleeting and family is what counts. Losing someone you love gives you clarity, it helps you see what matters most.

Mom is gone, but she’s not gone, not really. She's everywhere I look.