Missing Dad

After my Dad got sick I realized I had to make a choice, I could either self-destruct - which no one would've blamed me after the year I've had - or I could make a conscious choice to go on living my life as fully and as happily as I could do. So, I'm not living life fully (at least not yet), but I'm not headed for the looney bin either! I can accept that my parents are gone, and that I will eventually see them again, but I miss them.

6 Months

It's been 6 months today since the loss of my precious boys. Yesterday was my post-op appointment and I got the all clear to return to work. Pathology came back clear, and all indicators show that the fibroid had nothing to do with me going into early labor. I am SO tired these days, with the recovery from the surgery, and my ongoing grieving, it can sometimes be crippling.

Today is also my first day back at work, and the situation at work is not good. The best word I can use to describe my work environment is "toxic". I completely dread going to work, you see, the *new* higher ups are cleaning house and systematically getting rid of my department (10 people gone so far). Oh, and they are not laying folks off, they are telling folks (previously high performers mind you) that they are not meeting expectations and putting them on performance plans. Seriously, I am (this close) to saying the hell with it, but (a) I don't want to give them the satisfaction, (b) no paycheck/no unemployement (c) COBRA will cost me $600 a month!! I know I have to try and keep pushing forward and look for another job, but it takes a lot of energy and frankly I just don't have any right now.

Laparoscopic Myomectomy

I had the fibroid surgery yesterday and it was a success according to Dr. S. The fibroid measured at 8 cm. I have 3 incision points, and I'm in quite a bit of pain, but I just keep reminding myself that the pain could be worse if I had the abdominal myomectomy instead. Thank goodness for pain meds!! I am off work now for 2 weeks to recuperate.

Mother's Day

Last fall, I dreamt about the spring, and going on maternity leave, and all the hopes and dreams that were finally going to come true. In 2010 I would be a mommy. So, suffice it to say, Mother's Day was a very, very difficult day for me. My heart just ached, and I felt very raw and profoundly sad. Not only am I still grieving for my own Mom who died only a year ago, but I'm grieving for my boys. I held my baby cousin yesterday, also a boy, born just a few weeks ago. It was very bittersweet, and of course made me long for my boys who are now in heaven. May 15th is also coming up quickly, my original due date. So much sadness, I really don't know how to express it in words.

But with all this, I can't even imagine what my life would be like without the support and love from my friends and family, they definitely carry me through these days.

April 25, 2010

Dad died, at the age of 63. Just 12 months & 10 days after Mom.

For his sake it was fast, and he didn't seem to be in any pain. He died at home which is what he wanted. Following Dad's wishes we did not have a funeral or visitation. Dad's friends and family visited him over the past month so we felt like he had the kind of visitation that was most important so we feel at peace with the decision, plus it was what he wanted. He wanted to be cremated and buried next to Mom. My brother will be here thru May 9th so we have a lot to accomplish while he is here.

I feel numb.

I don't understand.